Your Relationship – The War of the Roses or a Bed of Roses?

Are you and your partner constantly hurting each other’s feelings or experiencing misunderstandings and conflicts? Do you sometimes feel like you’re too much or being smothered, overwhelmed, afraid, anxious, that you can’t trust anyone, or that you need space? Maybe you’re feeling clingy or wondering if this is “The One.”
Remember, there are no perfect people—only imperfect people who can be perfect for each other if they work on understanding and healing together. Imago therapy by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt can help, as can the work of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Relationships require effort, but they can be deeply healing and even fun when both partners commit to growing together.

Formed in our formative years
Attachment styles, formed in our formative years through interactions with primary caregivers, deeply influence how we relate to others as adults. The patterns of connection, rejection, and validation we experience early on become templates for how we handle relationships later in life.

Understanding these attachment styles
• Secure Attachment: Usually formed when a caregiver is consistently responsive and supportive. Adults with this style tend to have healthy, balanced relationships. People with a secure attachment style tend to be comfortable with intimacy and are generally good at communicating their needs and feelings. They can help provide reassurance and stability in a relationship.
• Anxious Attachment: Often developed when a caregiver is inconsistent or overly reactive. Adults might seek constant reassurance and can become overly dependent on their partners, they may worry about their partner’s availability and may seek constant reassurance. They often need extra support and clear communication to feel secure.
• Avoidant Attachment: Often formed when a caregiver is emotionally distant or dismissive. Adults may struggle with intimacy and prefer to prioritize independence and find it difficult to rely on others. They may need space and time to process emotions, and understanding this can help avoid feelings of rejection.
• Fearful- Avoidant also known as Disorganized Attachment: Typically arises from experiences of trauma or neglect, can be quite complex. It often stems from early childhood experiences and can manifest in various ways in adult relationships. This leads to confusing and unpredictable behaviours in relationships. This style involves a mix of anxiety and avoidance, leading to a push-pull dynamic. These individuals may struggle with closeness and fear being hurt, so patience and consistent reassurance can indeed help individuals and heal from past wounds.

How to work on it together
By identifying each other’s styles, couples can better understand why they might react differently to certain situations.
Understanding and working through attachment styles can be really beneficial for couples. Here’s a breakdown of how partners can use this knowledge to support each other and navigate triggers:
1. Communicate Openly:
• Share Your Style: Discuss your attachment style and how it influences your feelings and behaviours.
• Express Needs and Triggers: Be open about what triggers you and what you need from your partner during those times.
2. Develop Empathy:
• Acknowledge Differences: Understand that each partner’s reaction is influenced by their attachment style.
• Practice Empathy: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. For example, an anxious partner might need reassurance, while an avoidant partner might need space.
3. Create a Supportive Environment:
• Secure Base: For a partner with an anxious attachment style, being a consistent and reliable source of support can help.
• Respect Boundaries: For a partner with an avoidant style, giving them space and respecting their boundaries is crucial.
4. Manage Triggers Together:
• Identify Triggers: Work together to recognize what triggers each partner’s insecurities or anxieties.
• Develop Coping Strategies: Create strategies for dealing with triggers, such as taking a break when emotions run high or using calming techniques.
5. Seek Professional Relationship or Individual Coaching:
Recognizing these patterns can indeed help individuals and couples address and heal from past wounds. Relationship coaching can play a pivotal role by:
1. Providing Insight: Helping individuals or couples understand their attachment styles and how these affect their interactions and relationship dynamics.
2. Facilitating Communication: Creating a safe space for open and honest dialogue, which is essential for resolving conflicts and deepening connection.
3. Fostering Intimacy: Encouraging practices and activities that enhance emotional closeness and fun, which can strengthen bonds and promote a more fulfilling relationship.
4. Offering Support: Helping clients develop skills to navigate and improve their relationships, ultimately leading to healthier, more satisfying connections.
6. Reinforce Positive Interactions:
• Celebrate Progress: Recognize and celebrate when you successfully manage triggers or improve communication.
• Practice Positive Reinforcement: Encourage and support each other’s efforts to adapt and grow.
If you’re considering relationship coaching or looking to address these issues, it can be a transformative step toward creating more harmonious relationships.

“Make love, not war. Let your heart be a beacon of peace, your touch a balm of healing, and your words a symphony of understanding.”

Diane Wilder

Master Coach